We have all experienced the pain of rejection, being passed over, set aside, not wanted. In our younger years, somebody may have teased us, bullied us, or stopped eating lunch with us to hang out with the popular crowd. We stood alone along the wall at dances or avoided them altogether. Even our youth group may have been the source of rejection rather than a refuge from it.
Thank goodness for adulthood, when rejection fades into a faint memory, right? Not exactly. We experience rejection as adults as well, at work, in our personal relationships, and even at church. Maybe we’ve been passed over for a promotion or laid off. Maybe a friend no longer communicates with us, or our church doesn’t want our leadership.
I experienced my worst rejection when I learned my husband didn’t love me anymore. He had moved on, setting me aside, rejecting me. Naturally, it has taken me a long, long time to heal, but I have learned a few things along the way.
Even if we have a solid emotional and spiritual foundation, these wounds of rejection cut deeply and do not heal quickly. Applying the following strategies have helped me move beyond the brokenness of rejection to recovery and healing.
Strategy #1: Eliminate Negative Self-Talk
With the enemy always ready to pounce at any sign of weakness or fatigue, this is a formidable battle. When we get rejected, we tend to be overly critical of ourselves, resulting in negative self-talk and automatically assuming it’s our deficiency that caused the rejection. We might obsess about the circumstances and compare ourselves to others.
Our thoughts affirm the rejection: “It’s not surprising they don’t like you; you’re too _______” (fill in the blank with just about anything). “Others don’t have a problem with this—why can’t you deal with it? How did you get to be so incompetent?”
While we need to accept the reality of our imperfections and mistakes, we don’t need to condemn ourselves to a soul-crushing barrage of criticism. We need to talk kindly to ourselves just like we talk kindly to our friends: “You are fine the way you are; there are other factors at play besides just you. Everybody makes mistakes. You don’t need to compare yourself to others; we are all different. You are competent in so many ways.”
My negative self-talk became entrenched during and after my divorce. Since my husband didn’t love me anymore, I was unlovable, not worthy of love. At least that is how I felt. My mind and spirit battled against and eventually prevailed over the notion that I was unlovable, but the battle was bloody and hard-fought. Occasional skirmishes still pop up, but as best I can, I take captive my thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5), rejecting lies that devalue my worth and lovability.
Strategy #2: Focus on How God Sees Us
The best way to recover from rejection is to see ourselves through God’s eyes. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are treasures. We are His sons and daughters whom He loves unconditionally.
In the Japanese art of kintsugi, broken pottery is restored not by invisible superglue, trying to hide the cracks, but by resin mixed with gold dust. The places that were once broken are actually accentuated and illuminated with the gold resin. The restoration and repair of the piece becomes part of its history, which enhances rather than diminishes its usefulness and beauty.
Yes, from my divorce, I experienced rejection which shattered me for a while. But God’s redemptive power and loving words have restored me into a beautiful vessel worthy of love. Whether a person loves that vessel or not is irrelevant to the reality of its beauty and worth.
We face rejection every day—an unkind word from a coworker, a harsh criticism from a spouse, a Dear John letter (or text!) from a friend. Depending on the source, we may need to examine ourselves for areas of improvement, but these areas are not the core of who we are, not the basis of our worth.
So the next time you face rejection, squash your negative self-talk, and most importantly, put on your “God loves me” lenses.
